Counterfeit Feelings

You don’t even know how hard I struggle
All day long trying to juggle
Everything the world throws at me
While they stand back hands free
I try to stay low key
While I see everyone else being carefree
They keep telling me my feelings are wrong
They don’t want to hear my sad song
Who do I tell
While I silently yell
Nobody cares to hear
How deep are my fears
Just put a smile on it
Stop trying to transmit
Your feelings are counterfeit
Stop being a baby about it
So I bite my tongue
Oxygen sucked out of my lungs
Why breathe when no one else cares to see
That I am just trying to be me
Hold me back from what I want
Who will be my confidant

Tomorrow Come

I lay here in bed

Wondering why I am not dead

All this emotion

Mixed together like a potion

Where is God in my time of need

Where is He when I plead

Watching others all around

Falling to the ground

Silently they are all hurting

Looking for love their flirting

With sin

Pricked like a pin

They bleed

Buried in dirt like a seed

They try to cover up

Until it sprouts up

Uncovered for all to see

Their sin buzzes like a bee

Nothing pure

There is only one cure

Our flesh screams

Our eyes beam

We would rather toil

Stay in hot water and boil

Than face what we have done

It is written, there is nothing new under the sun

What will tomorrow bring

Maybe more of nothing

So I lay my head back down

And hide behind my frown

God Knows

The brain goes on & on
Wondering what went wrong
Singing this sad song
But for how long
Time heals
That is the spill
While others say take another pill
But what is God’s will?
Love joy peace
This is my belief
Love that knows no end
That is what God will send
An answer to every pain
To keep a person sane
Just hold on
Life is not gone
Keep fighting until the end
You don’t need to bend
Life tries to break me
This I continue to see
Who will listen as I speak
They say God uses the weak
So is it a blessing or a curse
As I write down each verse
Words that nobody really understands
I count each one like a grain of sand
Hold me tight
As I continue this daily fight

Nobody Knows

If you could only see

The pain deep inside of me

Your words cut deep like knives

No more high fives

Just complaints thrown around in vain

As I stand looking out the window pane

You can’t see me

I’m trapped & can’t be set free

But nobody knows

How this still will go

I just wake up each day

Hoping to find my way

Looking for something that I lost

Searching all avenues until I exhaust

All possible options of finding what I need

God please set me free

Writing doesn’t help me anymore

Frankly I feel really bored

My family is busy with other things

Shoved back into the hot spring

Sink or swim is what they said

Never knowing that I might already be dead

Wondering how this will all end

I really can’t comprehend

How I got here lost in translation

Just another person among the nations

I think it is time to stop

Until God plants a new crop

I sit and wait

Praying it is not too late…

Whatever It Takes – Poem

Lost in a world feeling all alone
Hit by every stone
Words come across my face
Leaving me feeling disgrace
How can I find what I am missing
Is it really just your soft kissing
Love means something different to each one of us
Many don’t care to discuss
Why are you so emotional
Should I really be unemotional
How do I find that perfect balance
I need you to be my counterbalance
Day by day we learn more and more
Wondering what does the future have in store
I truly do love you
This I know it is true
It is hard for me to give you space
I enjoy every time we embrace
Maybe my heart feels differently
I love when you touch me gently
I am trying my best
To let you be when you want to rest
Time to be on your phone
While I sit here alone
I get what you need
I don’t want to be the one to impede
I just try to be patient
As I sit next to you like an outpatient
Waiting to respond to your attention
Please excuse my apprehension
I truly just want the best
Forget about the rest
I want to see you smile
I want you to stay awhile
By my side
Until the day I die
I don’t want to be alone
Please forgive my groans
I can’t always explain my thoughts
They get tied up in knots
You stare at me with great expectations
And I get lost like a radio station
My signal drops
And my heart stops
Looking into your eyes
I hate to see you cry
Whatever it takes to bring back that fire
You are my hearts desire
I love you more than you will ever comprehend
I will always love you until my end…

No Matter The Cost – Poem

The end has come

No wonder I feel so numb

I worked so hard to comfort her

But in the end Lord you knew what would occur

I gave her every bit of strength I had

Lord You used me to be her launching pad

Teach her about the faith & life

I am thankful You made her my wife

I never thought we would be compatible

But some how You made everything translatable

So now I walk alone

I clenched her hand to the bone

Never wanted to let go

Her smile always had a glow

But God I know it is time to shut the door

Yesterday you brought me back to the shore

Reminded me of all the fun I once had

Told me again don’t be sad

For I know the plans you have for me

You continue to open my eyes to see

That today is a gift for all to receive

So open it & no longer grieve

Take what I have in front of you

I have come to pull you through

Nothing can stand against His will

So as I stand still

I am reminded that God wants to use me

We are called to set His people free

Don’t let the dark cloud block your joy

He has something better in store

Throughout this cancer journey I have seen

How we can get caught up in a smoke screen

Thinking that everything revolves around us

When really God is doing His math which is a plus

Adding us to the lives of others who have no clue

Showing them that God’s word is true

Even when they choose to yell and scream

The Lord can come to them in a dream

Yet again Lord I cry out to be a tool

Help me as I go back to school

Allow me to be open when You need

Help me expose those who try to mislead

Always pointing people back to You

Continue to do whatever it takes to renew

My mind, body, & spirit

So I can tell the world all about it

The gospel that saves

Because You have

Your life no matter the cost

To save all that are lost. ✝️

Copyright KNG Music 2020

Praise First Publishing

Right Now, I Wait On You…

How do you pick up pieces that were never meant to be broken? How do you find what was lost? We had something so special and now I am just me, without my special half, holding on to God because I don’t have much else. Waking down a path that very few have walked before. Waiting on God to give me a new purpose, a new direction, ready to start a new chapter, whatever that looks like. I don’t want to stand still in pain. Deliver me oh Lord, take me to a new place, a deeper place, a place of comfort and peace again. I need to know there is more for me. I want to be used again and not just sit on the sidelines. Help me to understand the whys because is saving the life of others worth more than hers? So many questions that truly swirl in my head. The enemy wants to attack and hold me down but I know that God has something bigger in store. How long do I wait? How long do I seek? This pain has left its stain on me. Cleanse me oh Lord, wash me and make me new. Give me a heart of compassion. Right now, I wait on You…

When The Light Goes Out – Poem

What is done

Can’t be undone

How do you handle

Her light blown out like a candle

No longer here for me to see

She has been set free

Free from pain that bound

Death chased her like a hound

She fought long & hard like a soldier

This life she tried to carry on her shoulders

When the pain was too much

She couldn’t handle even my soft touch

A woman sworn to live by her vow

Cancer hit her with a POW 💥

Her strength removed like Samson

Unable to walk outside in the sun

We cried together many nights

Wondering how long we would have to fight

Cancer doesn’t care about your age

It doesn’t care if you make a living wage

It attacks the body with a vengeance

Looking for every compromised entrance

Oh God, oh God, death where is your sting

With Christ there is no more suffering

What was lost

Jesus paid that cost

So now she is restored

No more hurting vocal cords

Singing praises to the King

Death you really did lose that sting

I know that one day soon

I shall rise up like a balloon

For now I sit and wait

Until God reopens the gate

Copyright © 2020 KNG Music and Praise First Publishing

You Won’t See My Tears – Poem

You won’t see my tears

Doesn’t mean they disappeared

I fight hard to remain strong

Even when things feel so wrong

My heart breaks

That I can’t fake

God is my only root

Even my only parachute

I can’t jump without Him

The world is so dim

When He is not around

Because of Him I have been found

Now isn’t that profound

A God that lifts me off the ground

No matter how much I say

I can never find the words to repay

For all my sins have been taken

Since that day that I was awaken

From such a deep sleep

I was probably counting sheep

But sin has met its end

There is no need to pretend

I opened the door & let Jesus in

To wash away my sin

Help me to claim victory & the win

God just tell me when

I stand at attention waiting

No more debating

No more procrastinating

Jesus send me out

Help me to remove all doubt

Teach me to proclaim & shout

Water my soul & remove the drought

So I can pour out

And run about

The Lord still heals

That is how I feel

Maybe not when you say so

But it is His timing you know

Continue to pray

No matter what others say

Hold me close Lord

I am excited to see what’s in store

Maybe not today

But soon You will pave the way

Never let me stray

I need more of You today

Copyright 2020 KNG Music & Praise First Publishing