Lost in a world feeling all alone
Hit by every stone
Words come across my face
Leaving me feeling disgrace
How can I find what I am missing
Is it really just your soft kissing
Love means something different to each one of us
Many don’t care to discuss
Why are you so emotional
Should I really be unemotional
How do I find that perfect balance
I need you to be my counterbalance
Day by day we learn more and more
Wondering what does the future have in store
I truly do love you
This I know it is true
It is hard for me to give you space
I enjoy every time we embrace
Maybe my heart feels differently
I love when you touch me gently
I am trying my best
To let you be when you want to rest
Time to be on your phone
While I sit here alone
I get what you need
I don’t want to be the one to impede
I just try to be patient
As I sit next to you like an outpatient
Waiting to respond to your attention
Please excuse my apprehension
I truly just want the best
Forget about the rest
I want to see you smile
I want you to stay awhile
By my side
Until the day I die
I don’t want to be alone
Please forgive my groans
I can’t always explain my thoughts
They get tied up in knots
You stare at me with great expectations
And I get lost like a radio station
My signal drops
And my heart stops
Looking into your eyes
I hate to see you cry
Whatever it takes to bring back that fire
You are my hearts desire
I love you more than you will ever comprehend
I will always love you until my end…
Thoughts
No Matter The Cost – Poem
The end has come
No wonder I feel so numb
I worked so hard to comfort her
But in the end Lord you knew what would occur
I gave her every bit of strength I had
Lord You used me to be her launching pad
Teach her about the faith & life
I am thankful You made her my wife
I never thought we would be compatible
But some how You made everything translatable
So now I walk alone
I clenched her hand to the bone
Never wanted to let go
Her smile always had a glow
But God I know it is time to shut the door
Yesterday you brought me back to the shore
Reminded me of all the fun I once had
Told me again don’t be sad
For I know the plans you have for me
You continue to open my eyes to see
That today is a gift for all to receive
So open it & no longer grieve
Take what I have in front of you
I have come to pull you through
Nothing can stand against His will
So as I stand still
I am reminded that God wants to use me
We are called to set His people free
Don’t let the dark cloud block your joy
He has something better in store
Throughout this cancer journey I have seen
How we can get caught up in a smoke screen
Thinking that everything revolves around us
When really God is doing His math which is a plus
Adding us to the lives of others who have no clue
Showing them that God’s word is true
Even when they choose to yell and scream
The Lord can come to them in a dream
Yet again Lord I cry out to be a tool
Help me as I go back to school
Allow me to be open when You need
Help me expose those who try to mislead
Always pointing people back to You
Continue to do whatever it takes to renew
My mind, body, & spirit
So I can tell the world all about it
The gospel that saves
Because You have
Your life no matter the cost
To save all that are lost. ✝️
Copyright KNG Music 2020
Praise First Publishing
Right Now, I Wait On You…
How do you pick up pieces that were never meant to be broken? How do you find what was lost? We had something so special and now I am just me, without my special half, holding on to God because I don’t have much else. Waking down a path that very few have walked before. Waiting on God to give me a new purpose, a new direction, ready to start a new chapter, whatever that looks like. I don’t want to stand still in pain. Deliver me oh Lord, take me to a new place, a deeper place, a place of comfort and peace again. I need to know there is more for me. I want to be used again and not just sit on the sidelines. Help me to understand the whys because is saving the life of others worth more than hers? So many questions that truly swirl in my head. The enemy wants to attack and hold me down but I know that God has something bigger in store. How long do I wait? How long do I seek? This pain has left its stain on me. Cleanse me oh Lord, wash me and make me new. Give me a heart of compassion. Right now, I wait on You…
When The Light Goes Out – Poem
What is done
Can’t be undone
How do you handle
Her light blown out like a candle
No longer here for me to see
She has been set free
Free from pain that bound
Death chased her like a hound
She fought long & hard like a soldier
This life she tried to carry on her shoulders
When the pain was too much
She couldn’t handle even my soft touch
A woman sworn to live by her vow
Cancer hit her with a POW 💥
Her strength removed like Samson
Unable to walk outside in the sun
We cried together many nights
Wondering how long we would have to fight
Cancer doesn’t care about your age
It doesn’t care if you make a living wage
It attacks the body with a vengeance
Looking for every compromised entrance
Oh God, oh God, death where is your sting
With Christ there is no more suffering
What was lost
Jesus paid that cost
So now she is restored
No more hurting vocal cords
Singing praises to the King
Death you really did lose that sting
I know that one day soon
I shall rise up like a balloon
For now I sit and wait
Until God reopens the gate
Copyright © 2020 KNG Music and Praise First Publishing
You Won’t See My Tears – Poem
You won’t see my tears
Doesn’t mean they disappeared
I fight hard to remain strong
Even when things feel so wrong
My heart breaks
That I can’t fake
God is my only root
Even my only parachute
I can’t jump without Him
The world is so dim
When He is not around
Because of Him I have been found
Now isn’t that profound
A God that lifts me off the ground
No matter how much I say
I can never find the words to repay
For all my sins have been taken
Since that day that I was awaken
From such a deep sleep
I was probably counting sheep
But sin has met its end
There is no need to pretend
I opened the door & let Jesus in
To wash away my sin
Help me to claim victory & the win
God just tell me when
I stand at attention waiting
No more debating
No more procrastinating
Jesus send me out
Help me to remove all doubt
Teach me to proclaim & shout
Water my soul & remove the drought
So I can pour out
And run about
The Lord still heals
That is how I feel
Maybe not when you say so
But it is His timing you know
Continue to pray
No matter what others say
Hold me close Lord
I am excited to see what’s in store
Maybe not today
But soon You will pave the way
Never let me stray
I need more of You today
Copyright 2020 KNG Music & Praise First Publishing
Until The Sun Sets And Is Gone…
You don’t think I care
When all you see is my blank stare
You think I don’t understand
But really my life is crammed
You don’t think I love you
But really that just ain’t true
You don’t think I listen
But your smile just seems to glisten
I look at your face
And I am thankful for God’s grace
You don’t think anyone feels what you do
But when you hurt, I do too
Your disease does not define you
Jesus Christ will pull you through
Your Bible is a tool
Those who ignore it are fools
Take a moment to get lost in His word
God is still speaking, haven’t you heard
Turn off the noise around you
Turn up the God inside you
Don’t let hope fade away
It’s the enemy that wants you to stray
Get back in the fight
Your future is looking really bright
Many have already succumbed to defeat
But with God you can’t be beat
I know I know it sounds too good
Your pain is real & shouldn’t be misunderstood
I never said it would be easy
I can’t even count all the times you’ve been queasy
Sickness has become a daily struggle
I try to comfort you with my snuggle
Pain
Pours down like rain
With no end in sight
How can any of this be right
But what is the real reason
That God has you stuck in this season
Is it to reach others who hurt
Who have been kicked down & left in the dirt
You see there is no way for you to comprehend
Really when this storm will end
So instead I implore you
Walk with me, I really adore you
Together with Christ we shall press on
Until the sun sets & is gone
For today we have what we need
For tomorrow there is no longer a guarantee…
God Can Use Your Battles
What if you inspired thousands of people? What if your suffering opened the eyes to thousands of God’s mercy? No one wants to ever suffer, but what if God was using your story, your suffering, your pain to show others around you that He is still healing, supplying for your needs, and moving on your behalf?
I wish my wife wasn’t sick. I wish my wife never had to feel pain. I wish my wife was able to sing God’s praises every day. I miss the days that my bride would have music playing all day at the house and just singing along with the radio.
Many have asked me, “if I had to walk this journey again would I?” I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt I would most definitely walk this journey over and over again if God asked me to do so. Why you ask? Because seeing God move repeatedly through these battles is like the moment that doubting Thomas saw the hands of Christ. Our journey doesn’t bring doubt but instead brings more faith.
We serve an amazing God that has no limits. My eyes have seen God deliver on our behalf over and over again. I implore you to get right with God. Stop being half in and fully submit to the Lord. Your current life will change, doors will open, and God will use YOU to do amazing things through Christ.
Matthew 17:20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
Are you ready?
Why Are Christian Leaders Walking Away?
Can I be honest with you for a moment? Will you take some time to put yourself in my shoes?
My parents raised me well, and took me to Church almost every Sunday. We attended an Assembly of God church. I remember getting saved when I was just 6-years-old.
Why do we get so caught up in seeing these big-named pastors and songwriters that are walking away from their faith? Does their faith have any real bearing on your faith? If their beliefs have control of your walk with Christ, then you are not living a Christ-centered life.
I gave you some short background on me because I can understand how easy it is to walk away; I have walked that dark road. I am not going to try and justify anything that these leaders are doing or saying, but instead I will share what happened in my life.
From my younger years up through high school, I was very active in my church. I did “Royal Rangers” as a kid, went on missions trips with my youth group, but then came college.
I went away for college which was about four hours from home. I tried to find a church; I visited several but none of them felt right. I couldn’t find what I was looking for and life decided to take over and occupy my time.
I walked away from my faith. I cut God out of my life, I didn’t make any time for Him. I can tell you that I bought my first house at the age of 20 years old, had a new car, had a good job, had my first son, and yet when I walked away from God, all of those things fell apart. I had everything the world tells you that you need and yet I was more empty than before.
“No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” 1 Corinthians 10:13
Satan’s best way to distract you from what God wants is to occupy your time and entertain you with life. Satan doesn’t care about your future, but God truly does. Don’t let the enemy distract you from what God has called you to do.
I can’t stand here and say I can’t believe these men have walked away from their faith when I know I have done the same thing in my past. I can tell you that with praying parents, I may have walked away, but I came back after realizing how much I gave up by walking away.
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
As Christians, we can fall into a trap and believe that the road ahead will be easier but the truth is that it becomes much harder. It is easy to be of the world, but it takes work to be Christ-centered. The word of God helps us to understand how to adjust what we focus on.
“Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him.” 1 John 2:15
What I failed to realize as a young Christian was that I was going through the motions and that I didn’t have a relationship with Jesus. It wasn’t until I was 32 years old that I decided to let go of control and trust the Lord completely. When I did that, I found my walk with the Lord. Before then, I didn’t realize that there was or even could be more to being a Christian.
Through my trials and tribulations with my wife’s cancer journey, we have seen God provide and move mountains for us. If we never choose to go deeper with the Lord, how can we expect to build a strong foundation that can’t be toppled in a storm? We have to be willing to seek Him out.
As for those that have walked away, I implore you to pray for them. God’s timing and plan for each of us has different paths. Let our prayers be united in asking the Lord to soften their hearts and open their eyes to His truth.
“For this my son was dead, and is alive again; he was lost, and is found. And they began to celebrate.” Luke 15:24
The prodigal son can return home; we need to pray that he does.
But God…
Everyone asks me, “how do you press on?” How do you manage all of that stress?” “I can’t believe how much you are doing? Is it all worth it?”
My life hasn’t always been easy. I have been through many trials and pain. I have been through a divorce more than once. My first wife left because she missed her family and wanted to be closer to them. My second wife had an affair and through a DNA test, I found out that my daughter is not my little girl. I was ready to give up and throw it all away, but God.
Now many of you know that my wife Kristeen has stage 4 lung cancer. When she was first diagnosed, the doctor gave us maybe 6 months to a year left. I had finally found a bride that completed me and due to life’s circumstances, it felt like my happiness was going to be ripped away. Tomorrow will make 22 months since we started this cancer battle. Plenty of times I felt like the end was near, but God.
Satan is a liar; he wants to prey on your fears. Time and time again, God has shown up and brought the healing into my wife’s body. I can’t wait until the day that I can say Kristeen is cancer free. That is a difficult concept to comprehend when the doctors give you a death sentence, but God.
We have seen God show up when Kristeen had 4 cancer spots in her brain. The doctors were able to treat them and they haven’t shown up again on anymore scans. We have seen spots show up in Kristeen’s liver and through prayer we have also seen that go away. The cancer was up and down her spine and all over her pelvis yet the treatments have killed all the lesions. I can go on and on about what God has done. It was in those moments that I had to surrender it all to God because I had no control that God made Himself known. When all hope appeared to be lost… but God.
Kristeen was on oxygen for numerous months when she was first diagnosed. I never imagined that with her on 4 liters of oxygen that she would ever be off of the oxygen, but God.
Last night, Kristeen was singing like a songbird again. I can’t explain with words the emotions that I feel every time I hear her sing. It no longer is just about her voice but instead of what God has done. God’s ways are higher than our ways. I also can’t explain the path that God has taken me on, and yet I have continued to see how God has never left us. If you are feeling lost and alone, I promise you that God wants to meet you were you are. He has a plan to help you overcome your adversity but you have to submit your life to Him.
P.S. I hate to write, but God has used me to pen some amazing things. God can fill in the gaps when we think there is nothing left in us.
